Because I’m gonna have to tell her about my breakdown…
And the bad thing I did that night
I’m scared to go to therapy tomorrow
Tonight was a huge step backwards
I was hanging out with my friend Steven.we had sushi which made me sick. Than we were hanging out and talking and I started to have a huge panic attack. Heavy breathing, eyes burning , my arms became shaky, and I started to feel anxious and trapped in my own skin. I drank a huge margarita in like one gulp to calm myself down. After I dropped him off I started hyperventilating and my eyes were stinging with tears.
I don’t know what triggered it, but I’m terrified. My depression is coming back in full force
Empty promises in the form of little white pills
I think the internet increases my depression
Call me a masochist.
I think I have to up my medication again. I thought I was finally there. I guess not
I just wanna be better
My late night jumble of thoughts…
Have I buried my emotions so deep that I can’t feel them anymore?
Am I numb?
This can’t be, because I do feel things.
I feel frustration, loneliness, hopelessness, and want.
But do I feel joy, passion, or love? No.
My fake laughs are so automatic now that I can’t tell the real from the fake.
A fake smile doesn’t raise questions.
I’ve never been an extrovert, or felt free to be me. So maybe this isn’t something new.
Maybe the pills don’t numb me.
Maybe I do that on my own.
But one day I will feel it. That spark of life, the freedom to just be.
There was no light at the end of the tunnel for so long, just a dark imprisonment in my own mind.
But I think it’s there. It may not shine bright, and I may not be close.
But I’ve made so much progress so far….. I have to believe its there.
Even if I don’t believe- I have to force myself to. Because no one is going to rescue me. I just have to keep moving forward. One step at a time.
I always avoid parties…
I don’t know why……
I’m never gonna have any friends.
when people post pictures of the cuts and scars they’ve given themselves.
I get really scared and sick to my stomach.
I thank God (or whoever) that I never took that route.
My problems became much more internalized. Whether thats better or worse - i don’t know.
Today was a huge success. To anyone else it would’ve been just another fun day of hanging out and going out. But to me - its a challenge I can’t even bring myself to describe. Its been YEARS since I’ve gone out the way I did tonight to celebrate Jazzy Girls birthday.
My anxiety was bad at first but it eased. I was able to stay in the moment. And though I was fully aware of my body and my anxious thoughts, still calculating, restricting, and avoiding, I was able to get through the entire night.
I even ate. Some people may have no idea what this post is about, and I’d like to keep it that way. Another mile down the road to recovery. i still have a long way to go.
My antidepressants make me so ill!! My doc said they wouldn’t make me nauseous but they really really do. But it’s really only the last three days that I’ve felt really gross and I don’t know why. I feel like I have a hangover. And I’m supposed to up the dosage today!!! What to do…
My anxiety and OCD have taken over my life…
My college graduation is this week, I should be happy and excited! Not anxious and desperate to get out of it!
No one understands and I’m far too embarrassed to explain.
and my family only makes it worse…
