Shut-Up-Victor

I’m also walking around in a towel because I’m too lazy to put clothes on.

Yes, I am aware of how ridiculous I am.

Have I buried my emotions so deep that I can’t feel them anymore?
Am I numb?
This can’t be, because I do feel things.
I feel frustration, loneliness, hopelessness, and want.
But do I feel joy, passion, or love? No.
My fake laughs are so automatic now that I can’t tell the real from the fake.
A fake smile doesn’t raise questions.
I’ve never been an extrovert, or felt free to be me. So maybe this isn’t something new.
Maybe the pills don’t numb me.
Maybe I do that on my own.
But one day I will feel it. That spark of life, the freedom to just be.
There was no light at the end of the tunnel for so long, just a dark imprisonment in my own mind.
But I think it’s there. It may not shine bright, and I may not be close.
But I’ve made so much progress so far….. I have to believe its there.
Even if I don’t believe- I have to force myself to. Because no one is going to rescue me. I just have to keep moving forward. One step at a time.

but inside you’re screaming

I should be above that.

Is it because it’s 5 and haven’t eaten today??
Is it a chemical imbalance?
Or is it just a sucky day!?!!?

Answer: all of the above!!!!!!